You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds