“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.