You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.