Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Why am I like this?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Uh oh…
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
wow
sigh