Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.