You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.