You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.