You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The answer is funnier than the question
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I feel seen.