The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.