Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Never be a pizza!
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat