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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes