Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
You Might Also Like
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Only short people can save us
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.