you stereotypes are all alike
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.