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Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
#Caturday
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
A choir of Spring onions
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”