My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Whoa 😂
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.