You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
2023 was just a warmup
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Catercrombie & Fish
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.