You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
going to the ER y’all need anything
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.