“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
This hospital has everything
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.