You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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I drew y’all a little something.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Finally!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito