People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.