Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants