@OhNoSheTwitnt: You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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@fowlerism: [Second day in prison] ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can't play quidditch by myself
@BradBroaddus: My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don't know why she got pissed when she found my "prospects" list.
@StinkyGr33n: 🎵Whooooaaaa, I'm halfway therrreee WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR Take this wig, we'll fake it I swearrrrr WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
@NJPsychDoc: My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......