@OhNoSheTwitnt: You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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@iGreenMonk: If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
@julie2288: The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go... Especially when they're 19 and STILL can't remember to flush a toilet.
@MaryannSaintM: Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!