@OhNoSheTwitnt: You think if I tell my dad "30 is the new 20" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
@freypalm: Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*
@TheRolo: [Dollar Store Interview] "What are your qualifications?" [Slides over a dollar] "Cashier job is yours" [Slides $2] "Welcome to Management"
@JustFingKatie: I keep getting a message that "Twitter is having issues"nnGood job guys...we drove twitter crazy!