If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota