“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My background check bounced.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“You’d better run, egg!”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich