You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks