You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You Might Also Like
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?