You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.