Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.