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@Truculent67: You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
@Reverend_Scott: "Charlie, I want a divorce."
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
@bourgeoisalien: man: you're beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i'm dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
@Fred_Delicious: "guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!"
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"