You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
monday
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”