No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Sorry not sorry.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”