“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
This one’s “Alex”.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life