“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up