you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
💻🤡
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
In Canada they just call them geese
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Pot warmers of the day.