Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain