@Urfavgoodboy: You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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@Reverend_Scott: [hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.
@_ElvishPresley_: WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn't leaving? WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: So do you like Star Wars? ME: Oh yeah HER: Who's your favorite character? ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.