“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Worlds greatest photobomb
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*