You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA