You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Look at this
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏