You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.