@AaronNevins: You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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@Home_Halfway: The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
@MariyaAlexander: More "kills" on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is.... American Swiper.
@Sassafrantz: The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*