You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.