You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.