You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Realize this:
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.