@SergioValenCo: ''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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@dxblarssonENG: Teenage daughter called me an old fart. We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
@TheTweetOfGod: I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.