”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.