@Beatonm5: "..,you will die in seven days"
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; "new phone, who dis?"
@EndhooS: "What's for dinner?"
Updog & chips.
"Does updog have gluten in it?"
No..wait..you're supposed to say...
"You know I can't have gluten Karen"
@cepheusjackson: [GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn't this incredible?
ME: It's ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don't want to talk about it
@chicnlil1: I basically have 3 hairstyles...
@iwearaonesie: cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend