@Beatonm5: "..,you will die in seven days"
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; "new phone, who dis?"
@sadmonsters: Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
@lilgapeach30: Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.
@TheDrunkStory: "Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text"
@AllyBallyBeal: Guy across the road can't get his truck started. Now he's rolled up his sleeves. That's how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
@PinkCamoTO: Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you're a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.