“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’