@Beatonm5: "..,you will die in seven days"
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; "new phone, who dis?"
@NouRahif: "Axe" is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
@MarlonBrandNO: Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
@pinupteacher: WAITER: Would you like any dessert?
DATE: No, just the ch-
ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.
@BadMikeyBad: The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling "It's OK! There's nothing wrong! You don't need to come up here"
@pbear79: I cashed in my swear jar today...
The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he'd never done a transaction in change before.