You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I know this now 😂
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.