You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that