You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
nature’s most graceful animal
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no