Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…