You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
do what now??
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I am also baked goods
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks