@alive_and_dying: You wouldn't hate anything about yourself if the world hadn't taught you how.
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@RidiculousSheri: "Shelley's coming over." "Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?" *gets hit in the face with poop*
@MarfSalvador: mob boss: rip his fingernails off henchman: they're bitten really short mob boss: then do his toenails! henchman: [removing my socks] you're not gonna believe this
@better_off_dad: CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
@roostermustache: [on a date with a teacher] Me: your eyes are beautiful Her: yours too Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you Her: i don't know CAN YOU